Speaking My Mind . .

The Bounden Duty....!!

2012-01-08T20:03:00.002+05:30

More than hundred TV channels, an unprecedented age of media.Yet both Indian citizens and the Indian State were oblivious to her. Irom Sharmila Chanu.. yes, that's her name. Don't know how many of us actually know about this name or even if we know this name then how many of us actually know to what it relates to?.. I saw a couple of documentaries showcasing the struggle and the story of Irom Sharmila but I felt something extraordinary strong about it. And the question in front of me was that just 2 documentaries are enough to showcase the sacrifice this lady is doing for over 11 years now. The documentaries were aired on television around the time the whole country was busy following Anna Hazare and his movement against corruption in the month of August, 2011, and as expected I did not hear a word about it from anyone's mouth in my proximity. I promised myself to do my bit for this cause, though I took my time to research more and come out with the facts to support my decision of supporting this cause.

Though some people I know may not approve of my decision of removing AFSPA (Armed Forces Special Powers Act.) from Manipur, the cause Miss Irom Sharmila is fighting for over 11 years now, but still I think I am sure of why I'm writing this.

I know you would want a story to get you glued to it else it might not interest you at all. So, here I am presenting you a short story to get you up and close with Irom Sharmila.

Irom Sharmila born on March 4, 1972 in Manipur was an ordinary girl until one day she shredded the decision of living an ordinary life. She was a fair complexioned girl with jet black curly hair and that peaceful smile on her face.

Like any other girl she too had dreams of getting married and living a peaceful life with family and friends. Very similar to what all of us aspire to live.
Well living a peaceful life is pretty much a reality for us living here in metropolitan cities but could be a distant reality for a person living in a region where the AFSPA (Armed Forces Special Powers Act.) is in place.Under this Act, all security forces are given unrestricted and unaccounted power to carry out their operations, once an area is declared disturbed. Even a non-commissioned officer is granted the right to shoot to kill based on mere suspicion that it is necessary to do so in order to "maintain the public order". In short it is one of those draconian laws which are being used by Armed Forces, sometimes to harass people of the region in the name of curbing extremism. I fully respect the Armed Forces of our nation but at the same time it is quite familiar with all of us that how laws like AFSPA are used by some evil sections of the forces.

For young Irom Sharmila, things came to a head on November 2, 2000. A day earlier, an insurgent group had bombed an Assam Rifles column. The enraged battalion retaliated by gunning down 10 young innocent boys standing on a bus stop. The very next day the brutal pictures of the dead bodies were published including the picture of a 62 year old woman and 18-year old Sinam Chandramani, a 1988 National Child Bravery Award winner who were amongst the killed. Extraordinarily stirred by the event, 28 years old Sharmila began her fast on November 4, 2000.

Since then she is fasting for the removal of AFSPA from the state of Manipur. For first six years she was put under arrest by the state authorities,isolated in a single room in JN Hospital in Imphal. Each time she was released she took out the tube out of her nose, the tube that was tied to her by state authorities to forcefully feed her. For more than a decade she had not eaten anything solid. On November 4, 2000, Sharmila had sought her mother Irom Shakhi's blessings, You will win your goal,” Shakhi said. Sharmila resides within the walking distance of her mother but had not met her since then. When Shakhi was asked about this she said " I'm weak hearted and will not be able to see Sharmila in this condition." There were tears of motherly affection in her eyes. " If this Act could just be removed even for five days, I would feed her rice water spoon by spoon. After that, even if she dies, we will be content, for my Sharmila will have fulfilled her wish." Shakhi (Sharmila's mother) added.In 2004, while Sharmila was already fasting against the brutal AFSPA, the Assam Rifles arrested Thangjam Manorama Devi, a 32-year-old woman, allegedly a member of the banned People’s Liberation Army. Her body was found dumped in Imphal a day later, marked with terrible signs of torture and rape. Manipur came to a spontaneous boil. 15 days later in an extra ordinary attempt surpassing the limits of human expression 30 ladies protested nude in front of Assam Rifles headquarters at Kangla Fort with the banners saying “Indian Army, rape us too”, they screamed. The State responded by jailing all of them for three months.

The struggle of Sharmila and lakhs of citizens of India is still going on. The feeling of not free and liberated in their own country surrounds them. For more than 11 years now Irom Sharmila had not eaten anything or even not drunk a single drop of water. She had stopped brushing her teeth and wipes them daily with dry cotton and her lips with dry spirit so she would not sully her fast. Her body is getting wasted inside. Even her menstrual cycle had stopped. Yet she is resolute and she wants her voice to be heard in the most peaceful and reasonable way.

Here, I'm not presenting this story to gather any sympathies for her but the only thing I want is a pause, a pause from our very own self interests. There are some stories that are untold and unseen which need our pause and attention if not our help. The story of Irom Sharmila is the story of extra ordinary resolute, extra ordinary will power of an extra ordinary woman who is fighting for her and her society's human rights. The rights which they are eligible for, like all other citizens of our country.

P.S. All the facts and pictures in this post are collected from various reliable sources.

Life is a chaos..personified

2011-10-29T19:30:00.002+05:30

It’s been years since we have parted ways but still the pain and the agony persists and somehow 'Time heals everything' seems not to be working for me. Its not that life is not going normally but then there is something that's always with you. A thought so deep rooted denying to leave me alone. A pain which by now have made a permanent place in me, without which life seems to be incomplete. It’s so strange, with time, how we even get attached to our pains and agonies. Every year as the fall arrives, I get even more drenched in her thoughts. An attachment with her absence, in a way as if she is there in the thoughts of my emptiness, goes stronger.

A hope of meeting her again kept me going through the unknown terrains of life. An evening always end with the notes of melancholy but then there always was a morning with the hope of meeting her again, seeing that face again. There always existed a dream beyond the walls of reality where I am with her, living a life full of beautiful moments and surrounded by the world that is in harmony with us and with this relationship. A place where everyone is happy to see us together. I sometimes wish I could break this wall and let these two worlds be in sync with love and life but this somehow can't happen and these worlds would always be distant. There would always be this wall of reality which wouldn't let the two dreams meet.

But one day I decided to go for it, I decided to get what I'd always dreamt of. I decided to find her, meet her and complete what I'd left incomplete. All these thoughts, dreams and these pains have something to do with my life. For the last 4 years I'd not been able to let her go, has something to do. May be its written in my destiny to get her back that's why I'm not able to get over her and that is why my love for her have only grown stronger and deeper in all these years. I was overjoyed with just the thought of finding her again.

Few days later, as a result of an intensive search I was able to locate her. I happened to meet a common friend who was still in contact with her. Without wasting much time I took her address and decided to give her a pleasant surprise. This overnight journey to her place seemed to be a journey of the lifetime. From the world of my realities to the world which I'd always dreamt of. The whole night I kept awake in the fear of missing her station if I would fall asleep. Strange enough, even after not sleeping for more than 24 hours, I could feel the blast of energy probably because of the excitement to see her again.

Finally, came my destination. As I stepped out of the train my phone rang, it was that common friend who gave me her address. "He must be calling to tell me the exact location." I thought and picked up the phone. "Listen Abhay, when we met yesterday I was so much carried away with your feelings for her that I was not able to collect guts to tell you that she's a happily married woman now. Your meeting with her can bring a storm in her married life. But still I would leave the decision on you." He said and disconnected.

For a moment it felt like the earth had stood still. Everything had stopped and life ceased to exist, as I could feel a complete blackout in my mind and body. There was no energy to even stand still. I sat at the bench nearby, facing the green lush farms on the opposite side of the platform. "All these years when I's drenched in her thoughts and memories, she was having fun in her life." I thought. These thoughts, pains and feelings are only confined to me. The melancholy of the nights and the loneliness of the day which I always misunderstood as a connection between us never existed and the life which I chose for myself was not destiny but a mistake. I failed to learn from a mistake I made years ago. I realized how time always moved forward but I'd always chosen to live in the past.

After a rush of strong negative emotions, suddenly, I felt lighter. As if something was sitting on my head since ages have fallen off. It was a sense of relief. A feeling so strange which had the sorrow of getting apart but also the satisfaction of letting it go. I realized, the sequence of events I'd gone through in last few days were actually necessary to flush out the remains of a failed relationship.

Sometimes when we fail to move ahead, life takes us through such turns and twists to make us realize that everything except you, have moved ahead and changed for a different perspectives in life. Life is not a scripted stage show, instead, Life is a chaos..personified.

GOOD FEELINGS AHEAD.... :)

2011-09-17T18:32:00.000+05:30

Life takes us through all different routes to the destinations it wants us to visit. Some destinations are in the form of a career, a relationship, places, emotions, people and above all the consciousness or rather I would say different states of consciousness. With time we travel through all these things stopping at them , sometimes accepting them and sometimes rejecting. Sometimes we try to control life and sometimes life controls us but the brutal fact is that we can never control the life or its course.

One day while driving off to an unknown pathway I started summing up my life experiences. The verdict said the reasons of all my frustrations, rudeness and pain are the bruises from some fallen relationships and some broken dreams. And for all of this trauma I can simply blame people and circumstances to set my ego high. But then a part of me wanted to set it right and free. This state of my consciousness wanted me to take things as they are, it wanted me to forgive people and forget things. This state of consciousness is happy being alone, it is at ease with its own. It believes in 'Let it be'....

While passing through these beautiful emotions of peace and through a beautiful valley I saw a signboard saying 'GOOD FEELINGS AHEAD'...... and that very moment I knew I've shed all the dead weight I was carrying for years, I have buried all those pains. For the whole life we keep searching happiness in others and give weightage to the momentary events of joy but the real happiness resides deep there in our own soul.
So just unlock it , feel it and live abundantly :)

I wish my readers GOOD FEELINGS AHEAD.....

Rahul

The Forsaken Grounds - Part 1

2011-08-07T18:42:00.003+05:30

What is the first thought that comes to your mind when you see this image. You think it as a peaceful and wonderful place. You see it as lush green surroundings, never ending greenery, a flowing river, a romantic place to be in, a place where you'd imagine yourself spending your life for its sheer serenity. You would want to spend your life here with your loved ones. Seeing your children growing up here, running in the by lanes to the school, playing madly in the beautiful play ground in the vicinity. Everyday you'd like to see the sun rising and setting in the company of your beloved with a cup of tea. Anyone would dream of spending the days after retirement reading in the sun on a sunny day in the winters.

Let’s find out what's the actual truth. In reality the greenery you have seen have converted into weeds, river had all dried up, there is no school now where your child can go and learn the lessons of wisdom, there does not exist any play ground now, where you would be able to see your children play madly. This place does not have a romantic aroma now but it will actually haunt you. Leave the thought of spending whole life here, you would not like to spend even a day.

But once all the good things you'd imagined above were a reality and this place was as good as heaven, though no one has seen heaven but when everything around you is so beautiful and peaceful, you tend to believe it as heaven. There existed life in this place as happy and chirpy as any other town or village. But one day it all vanished as if it was never a reality.

It was a beautiful sunny day and as a normal routine life was going in its own flow. But things were not destined to remain the same for this beautiful town. A gang of 30-40 gunmen entered and started firing madly on one and everyone without any mercy. I have seen people getting killed, running for shelter, women getting raped and in one word it was a disaster for the life that used to exist here. Everything changed since that day, both the communities were told that this is the work of the opposite community. The common man largely does not believe in any sort of community whether it is based upon a religion or a state. The only thing he is bothered about is his family and the loved ones. So, the common man decided to abandon this place as it could see no breakthrough to this conflict. He cannot wait until he loses all his family and friends.

You must be wondering who am I? I am the soul of this ABANDONED place. I have seen it in the happier times, I've seen it in the pain too. I have seen life flourishing here, also, I've seen the reigns. Living in the fond memories of a serene life that once existed, I just hope to see it again. I wish one day the common man takes the uncommon step and decides upon his own fate.

The Story of a Beautiful Stranger..!!

2011-06-25T21:21:00.007+05:30

Though it was a normal evening yet something unknown had uplifted my mood which generally keeps a low profile .. LOL. It’s strange how just a smile from a complete stranger can make you happy or was it really something special about her. I was trying to figure out the sudden positive changes while taking my regular evening stroll in the nearby garden. Generally, the burden of failed relationships and the feeling of loneliness seldom allow me to be happy. To top this very moment, clouds covered the whole sky and a cool breeze with that lovely aroma was filling the full atmosphere. The flocks of birds too started flying back to their nests. All in all everything was just so perfect and so beautiful in that moment. But still a question was running in the background that why and how everything can be so settled and beautiful? With those thoughts, some good and some confused, I started towards home.

By the time I started descending towards home it had already started raining, though it was just a pleasant drizzling. Everyone in the garden decided to take a move but she was still sitting in the corner on the bench, unmoved by the rain. Though I'm not a person who can make the first move still something forced me from inside to go to her and checkout if she is fine. "Hi" I said starting the conversation. She lifted her face and smiled a bit, one could easily see the pain in her eyes. I sat down on the bench besides her. "Its raining, you should go home" she said before I could ask her anything. "I am water proof, are you too?" I asked with a smirk. She smiled again and I noticed there was something unique in that smile. She was wearing the deadly mixture of smile on her lips and pain in her eyes. This is something that was not letting me move away from her and all I wanted was just talking to her, more and more. Finally, the barrier of awkwardness fell down and words started flowing between us. An hour passed but the talks and thoughts seemed unstoppable.The night was fast taking its place, I offered her to accompany way back home but she refused saying "I can take care of myself". I agreed and left for my home.

The whole night I was thinking about her. That smile, those eyes and every little thing associated with her. Next day as a routine I went to the garden but from that day the intent of evening stroll changed from fitness to meeting her. We started meeting daily and talk for hours about anything to everything. Some talks take emotional turns and during those moments I could see the approval in her eyes too, for the relationship that was building between us. Only thing that was not good amidst all this was her refusal to share her whereabouts. Anyways, it did not have much of a negative impact as we made it a point to meet daily at the very same place. Things were getting rosier and cozier for us but whenever I tried to talk about her family and all, she used to get very uncomfortable.

Though it was just 2 months since we had shifted to this place but it never seemed so.
One fine day day Mom asked me to hand over a parcel to our land lords, who lived on the first floor. Trust me or not but I was visiting their flat for the first time, as I was too much engrossed in the events happening in my own personal life. As I reached their door I could see Mrs. Yadav offering prayers to God sitting near a small wooden temple. Also, I could see a photo frame hanging on the wall above but couldn't see the face on the photo from outside. I was getting late for office so I had to disrupt the prayers of Mrs. Yadav, I knocked on the door. Mrs. Yadav looked at the door and said "Come in Amit. How are you beta? I am meeting you for the first time." she said with a smile. I entered the room and placed the parcel on the table lying near the entrance and said "Aunty I just came to give you this courier." "Thanks beta, but please come in and sit atleast for 2 minutes. You've come here for the first time since your family has moved in here." Mrs. Yadav said asking me to stay as she went out of the room to get something. I noticed that photo frame yet again. It had the photo of a little girl, as little as just 5 or 6 months old. Mrs. Yadav noticed me staring at the photo and she could also sense a question mark in my eyes. "Beta she was my daughter who died due to a chronic disease when she was just 5 months old. Had she been alive, she could have been your age." She said with a smile but I could see that motherly pain in her eyes. With a bit heavier heart I left that place and boarded the cab for office but for the whole day, I was somewhat disturbed and could somehow feel connected to what Mrs. Yadav told though didn't know the reason for it.

That day she (My Beautiful Stranger) didn't come to the garden in the evening and making situations worse it continued for several days. Those were the most difficult days of my life. All type of wrong thoughts surfaced in my mind. In the hope of meeting her again one day, my evening stroll continued, but sadly no luck.

One night I dreamt of her, yessss I dreamt of her. I confessed to her that I am in love with her and asked her to marry me. Listening to this she bursted into tears. "I love you too Amit but we would have get married if...." she paused.”If what? Tell me, if what? Is there someone else in your life or any family problems?" I asked with tears my eyes. "If I would have been alive I would have married you but I am not a part of your world. I am a dead girl, My dad and his family got me killed when I was just 5 months old." she said crying helplessly. I was terrified but kept listening to her. "Why did they kill you? How can someone kill their child?" I asked with a shaking voice. "My dad and his family never wanted a girl child to be born in their family, therefore, ever since I was born they were unhappy and that day they did what they always wanted to." she said.

When I woke up in the morning my head was too heavy with the events occurred in my life and the dream I had last night. I was terrified with what had happened to me but somehow it had poked my heart. I never understood why people kill their girl child and why are they against them. God is the creator of everyone so who are we to decide who's good and who's not. A person doing such a crime should be killed so that others get a lesson. But that day I promised myself that this thought process will not prevail in my family and in the families I know.
I know some sections of our society are rigid but it's the time to change. On one side we pray to the numerous Goddesses and on the other side we think girls are a burden. What a hypocrite world we are part of.

I am now married and have two beautiful daughters, but in all these years I never felt that I could have been happier if I would have a son. Life is a gift of God, respect it be it’s yours or someone else's.

P.S. Speaking My Mind Blog is strictly against the female foeticide and girl killings. A person indulging in these activities should be severely punished.

am too busy to care, but want to do something. Jaago Re and BlogAdda.com are helping me do my bit for the society.

Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness !!

2011-05-28T17:11:00.005+05:30

28th May, 2010, 9:00 am.:

First disturbing thought getting out of the bed was that Michelle would want me to be very punctual for the dinner tonight at Hotel Loco, as she'll be introducing me to her dad (for God's sake let me decide first if I want to get married right now or I want to focus on my career). It was a special day not because it’s Michelle's birthday (what’s new..birthdays come every year) but because I'm supposed to get my first case at Springsfield Hospital, Milan, Italy. Its been 6 months I have joined this institute and done tonnes of research on the subject of psychiatry. Its the time for my first case. I was excited and bit nervous at the same time. Here comes the announcement "Dr.Wilson, Please report to the psychiatry ward, room no. 101. Thank you."

As I entered the room Dr.Mathews said "Goodmorning young man, here is your first case. He is the famous industrialist Mr. Ted Williams, he is suffering from a rare yet a scary mental disorder called Schizophrenia.

A person suffering from this disorder can't perform their daily activities perfectly in society. Schizophrenia is actually a frightening psychic condition which takes the sufferers from the real world to a world of distressing misconception, hallucination, risk etc. Schizophrenia can be grouped in two types of symptoms, positive symptoms and negative symptoms. Positive symptoms of Schizophrenia consist of dysfunction in thinking ability, hallucinations, delusions as well as immobility which come and go. Negative symptoms of Schizophrenia consist of uncommon actions such as blank looks, unhappiness, violent habits, serious voice, bad diet regime, lack of concentration as well as low overall performance level. " Dr. Mathews's voice started fading as he moved on. Now I was with my new case I'm sorry, I mean with Mr. Williams. He was fast asleep, may be due to the tranquilizers which might have injected to him to get him here.

I sat besides him on a stool and started reading Mr. William's history, its important for a doctor to know his patient well. I was pretty much impressed with his history. More or less I could relate his life's ideologies to mine. He too was a very ambitious person, no doubts in that after seeing his company's turnover. Here comes the sad part of his life which reads about the sad demise of his daughter in an accident and sometime later his wife too passed away. As I was reading through I was disturbed by a male's voice "Eric, I hope you'd not shared the surprises we have planned for her birthday with Lisa ? you know, she'll say I don't need all this but all I need is a full day spent with you disconnected with the whole world." Mr. William said with a smile on his face. I recalled Lisa was her wife's name. I tried to interrupt him but then these patients would not believe you because for them the world, the imaginative world in which they live is the only reality that exists. According to the scientific concept their brain develops a parallel character in their mind and they start role-playing that character. And the most interesting fact about this state of mind is that they imagine this character to be exactly the way they actually aspired to be in life but could not lived that way because of whatever reasons and circumstances.

"Eric do you remember her last birthday when I couldn't make it to the dinner and she was so Damn angry and cried whole night complaining about the same old thing that I don't give her enough time. That night I realized my mistake and wowed to make her next birth day real special" said Mr. Williams looking at the chair lying besides his bed. These patients' mind take them to that point of their life where things were good and then they start imagining their life further and also role-play the way they actually wanted it to be in reality.

“Did you tell Lisa to come at Hotel Loco here in Milan? you know this place is her favorite dining destination. “he said again. Now I'd to react and react in a way that I could probably take him back to reality, not right now but gradually over a period by getting him accustomed to his life's bitter facts. "Mr. William, Lisa said 'No' to your dinner invitation and she told me to tell you that she does not want to meet you again." I said (I had to..)

"No, she can't do this to me" he said screaming and burst into tears. “I know all these years I was so non committal to her and our family. I never gave them enough time and always kept running behind money and power. Initially I used to tell myself that I'm doing all this for them only but with time I got addicted to it and tend to ignore all little warnings, nature gave me. But that evening changed it all when after that dreaded accident she went to coma (state of unconsciousness-caused by a serious brain injury) and docs nearly declared her dead but then her condition improved miraculously and she survived. That day I promised to her that I won't leave her alone ever and will give her and our family enough time and care. I promised I'll be a good husband and a good father. Please tell her to talk to me once, I'll explain her." Mr. William said sobbing. But in reality no miracle happened that night, Lisa couldn't survive that accident. She died that night. But Mr.William's brain stopped accepting reality there and then and since then he started living in his world of illusions.

I gave him the required dose of tranquilizers and walked out of the Room No. 101. Being a doctor I should not be emotionally attached to the happenings and incidents of my patient's life but then as I said earlier, his aspirations resembled mine significantly. I suddenly realized that I don't want to live the same fate that Mr.William had to live. Something shooked me from inside and suddenly my heart filled with the super-flous emotions that were being buried for the race of money and career.

I stopped a cab and called Michelle. "Baby I wouldn't ignore you on your birthday and will love you always. I would do everything the way you always wanted me to." I said (without even thinking what I'm saying.) "are you o.k ?" Michelle asked in a shocking tone. "Yes, I'm good. Love you." I said smiling on myself and asked the driver to move towards Hotel Loco.

That very moment I understood the true meaning of "Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness" by Thomas Jefferson.

Moral of the story: If you spend all your time and energy on the materialistic stuff,

You will never have room for the things that are of utmost important to you.

The window with a broken pane.... - The End !!

2011-04-30T19:38:00.002+05:30

Sitting besides the window the whole life is like doing the rounds of my mind, Each and every moment we spent together had something special about it. The day we first ever met, the day I first held your hand, that first kiss, walking miles in rain holding your hand, that feeling while dropping you daily at your home in the evening after office, those late hour talks (stretched to early mornings), meeting with your dad, our wedding day, and till now every and any such moment where you were a part, have become the part of my life. Any thought where you're not a part ceases to exist.

Life was so beautiful with you. Though it had nothing except you but then I think you were the most fulfilling factor about it. When I used to get up in the morning I used see myself in your eyes and i would know that I've someone. At the end of the day when I needed a lap to lie on or a shoulder to cry on, I always knew I had you. During all the odds you stood by me like a wall and I fought every such challenge because more than myself I trusted you. You were my biggest strength and also my biggest weakness and you knew that.

Everything was so perfect, perfect like a dream but then one day I got up in the morning and peeped into your eyes, I couldn't see myself. For years I had occupied that space but that day I wasn't there. You were not you or you were no more mine.That space is taken by someone else. But when did it happened and why bloody I never came to know. Did I deserve all this pain for all the love I have for you or does he deserve the place I always had in your life. For once you'd not thought about me, about us. You always knew that I won't question you, you always knew you'll get away with this.

My worst fears were taking shape into reality but thinking a life beyond you was never an option. For me life started when you came into my life and it will not go where you would not be a part of it. For once I thought to let you go because I wouldn't be able to stop you no matter how hard I would try. But what about the world we had created together. How would I live in that world alone without you. Tell me what would I do without you. You never had an answer because you wanted to go, and all you wanted is me to let you go.

One thing that I understood by now was that you wouldn't stop now and one more thing I knew by now was you I wouldn't be able to let you go to him. My dream run has ended and like every dream this dream's too gonna meet the same fate. You thought it would be an easy run for you just by getting me signed on the divorce papers. Right? that's what you thought.

"No Rose, its not that easy" I said looking at Rose's dead body and moving towards the table where I'd kept that parcel which came addressing Rose."So you were gifting me Divorce papers on my birthday" I said trying to open the envelope. Envelope had two air tickets tickets to Alaska and a letter. I opened the letter and it read:

Dear James

First of all Happy birthday and before you read further I want you to know that I LOVE YOU..

I knew you are not comfortable to see Fred around me and by now you must have cooked stories about me and Fred in your mind and to tell you frankly I was loving all this, I was loving to see you jealous like hell. But at the end of it the painful thing is you din't trust me completely. Fred and I grew up together as friends but that does not mean I'll leave you, The Love of my life for him. He is and always was just a friend. Their could be no one in this whole world that can replace you in my life. I would have been the happiest person if I wouldn't have had to explain you all this and you would have trusted me enough. But that did not happen and before all this, which started as a prank could turn into a mess I want you to know that you are the only one for me and I would love you till eternity.

Now stop staring at me and start packing bags for Alaska :)

Happy Birthday once again James.

Love..
Rose

I fell down with the letter in my hand and fainted. When up and conscious I even decided to end my life but then that would have been too easy of a punishment.

Years have passed but still you live with me in my every thought. I have lived all this life alone here thinking of you.And now at last stage of my life, sitting besides this broken window pane I'm writing all this so that this story would not die and whosoever gets to read it would know the importance of trusting thy partner.

I AM SORRY..

Loving you till my last breath,
James

The window with a broken pane.... - Part 1

2011-04-10T15:41:00.001+05:30

It was a strange day. Every little thing associated with it was so different, everything was so unusual. I looked out of the window, sun was settling down faster than usual, birds were in a hurry to their nests and even the streets were getting deserted much faster than any other evening. Clouds were just ready to envelope the skies from all the directions. A cool breeze was fluttering the curtains of the window, the window with a broken pane.

The moment had elements of uneasiness and on the other hand it was all so peaceful. It seemed as the whole universe is struggling like me between two extreme points of uneasiness and peace. The cold breeze was giving me the goose bumps and as everything outside was getting darker by every minute passed the whole surrounding was filled with melancholy. As the time progressed, anything that I could see out of the window was a deserted lane with tall trees on its both sides, standing like the warriors. Everything was so calm and silent except the howling of our dog Canto.

Suddenly Canto's howling turned into barking I walked upto him "Canto, what happened?" I asked giving him pat on the head. There was a man in the white and blue uniform standing at the door. "Hello sir, Can I see Mrs. James?" he asked. "Nnn No, I mean why do you want to see her?" I asked stammering. "I have a parcel for her. Can you please give it to her then ?" he asked. "Sure" I snatched the parcel from his hands and waited to see him moving completely out of the gate beyond the lawns. It seemed as if he smelled something the way he tried to peeped in to the corridor that leads to the room, the room of Mrs. James or Mrs. Roselynn James.

I shut the door and moved towards the end of corridor which leads to Roselynn's room. "You've got the parcel Rose." I called as I entered the room. It was in a messy state. In a first glance you could see a broken glass, some wine spilled over the floor near the carpet and the bedsheet crumbled as if someone had struggled too much. Room was filled with the fragrance of the perfumes my Rose used to wear. There was pin drop silence in the room as if no one ever existed here.

I kept the parcel on the table and filled the glass with some wine. Took my glass and found a seat just besides my Rose. "Cheers!! to this evening and Cheers to the wonderful time we've spent together" I said with choking voice. Rose did not reply, she kept lying with her eyes wide open. She was looking so beautiful even now. By now even the blood that oozed out of her slitted neck was dried. I kept her hand in my hand and my other hand was in her silky, lush black hair. I kept staring at her but I knew she'll never move, she'll never talk to me again. I kept watching her and tears started coming out of my eyes, thinking about all those mesmerizing moments we had spent together.

I stood up and brought a bunch of freshly cut roses from the garden for her. She was still unmoved. I saw again in her eyes. They were still open at large but it seemed she was in peace.

I again sat besides my broken window pane....!!

Meeting of the Lifetime or for the Lifetime.. God knows !! - Part 2

2011-02-26T21:23:00.000+05:30

That last meeting with her was ofcourse special because it was just a starting point of the long story..my long story (or as it seemed to me). The calls, messages, chattings and all sources of being connected were utilized to the optimum levels. In the cases like these you really thank Graham Bell for his invention of the telephone but then I would not take away the credit from the ones who had gone one step ahead and gave us the mobile phones. It seems they knew our generation would surely need it. Wow, the days turned longer and nights short, obviously if you sleep at 3 or 4 a.m. But I was in love with that phase too.

The biggest change was that we started meeting regularly and as the time progressed it turned to 'frequently' from 'regularly' and I was enjoying every bit of it as it was like a dream coming true. We used to talk for hours from personal stuff to any vague topic that exists. Almost every weekend we used to go for a movie and every movie producer/directer could be atleast sure of 2 viewers.. LOL. Then comes the shopping part (the most important part if the one who is reading is a girl and most irritating if the one who is reading is a guy) but then I would not refrain myself from discussing the shortcomings too because my Mom always say don't run away from the things that scare you, face them. Facing them Mom, I faced them all. Even though after knowing the fact that for facing them your son spent half of his salary you would curse yourself for teaching him this. The worst part is that girls would try every dress even if she would have to buy only one, I hope its not true when it comes to chosing a guy.

Not that I'm being chosen or not but I seriously never made an effort to find out and there are 2 reasons for not finding out. Both are the extreme opposites but still I would share, OK, the first was I never felt a need to ask as it seemed to be very obvious 'yes' and now the second one was that I din't have the courage to face a 'no' so I decided to face it when it would come. With her I used to feel complete, yes, she was the one whom I could think of introducing to my parents. As the time progressed I was sure that I wanted to be with her only. I was sure that she's the one with whom I can spend my whole life. It's the time to actualize things which were only dreamt of till now so, I decided to talk to her and face the consequences after watsoever her answer would be.
My feelings had now came to a stage where every thing just remind you of your beloved. Every song you hear would make you think as if it is written keeping you and your love story in mind. You tend to smile sitting alone sometimes remembering the instances you'd shared together or sometimes planning for the instances you intend to share together. And trust me all in all it was crazy but very lovable. It's somehow living all together in a different world where you don't like a disturbance of any type watsoever. But does this really ever happen? Can you think of a story that was all good? Me too was not an exception for that matter.

One fine day (not so fine actually), my phone rang "Hey buddy, can we meet at 2?" she said. "yes, sure but.." I replied but till then she'd disconnected the phone. Buddyyyyyyyy..... wat the hell... I mean yeah she didn't abuse me but this buddy thing was so formal of her to call me. I was upset and at the same time scared as it was very unusual of her to talk to me like this. She's never so plain atleast when it comes to talking to me. Though not giving all this much weightage I got up to get ready but somehow I was not at ease. I was going to meet her but I was not happy, there was something that was scaring me at the backend.
As I reached the place I saw 2 girls, one was obviously her and the other one I couldn't recognize. "Hi, she's Tisha." she said introducing me to that sweet looking girl. That was not all about it as she goes on "I need your help Arav, first of all I wanted to say sorry that I never told you about it." "About what yar" I asked with a choking voice. "Tisha and me....are in a relationship. I know its shocking for you. I know being not in this position it's nearly impossible for you to accept this but the truth is a truth Arav. I can't keep you in dark now, I just can't. I decided to tell you this when last night you indirectly hinted at talking to your parents about me" she said in one go. I listened to her standing frozen, didn't know how to react in such a situation. On one side was my love for her, all those moments, those talks, those movies, those shoppings and everything that was between us (or atleast I used to think that was) was getting destroyed and on the other side I didn't really have an option.
"How you would want me to help now?" I said though bit rudely. "Me and Tisha are leaving the country tonight and I just want you to keep mum about this. I am just telling you because I know you would have gone mad if you couldn't find me tomorrow morning" she said.

I said nothing and left that place. On the way back all I was doing was controlling my tears from coming out. No matter how sad they are, guys still hate to show their tears to anyone except to Mom (atleast in my case).
As Mom opened the door she sensed something is wrong but didn't ask at that very moment. But when for the next two hours I didn't come out of my room, Mom was sure now. She entered my room and at that very moment all I wanted was have mom seated beside me and exactly the same thing happened. Even without her asking anything I bursted and was all in tears and don't even remember when I fell asleep.

Meeting of the Lifetime or for the Lifetime.. God knows !!

2011-01-29T21:47:00.000+05:30

It was almost after 14 months (to be precise) we have broken the ice not by my efforts though, its only because of her off course. But I was obviously very excited for this day as for the past 14 months I was dreaming to sit with her, talk to her, see her, look into her eyes and so on.. Phew!! it's my last day in this building of our office and she pinged me for a coffee. Couldn't think of a better farewell gift.. But somehow all these thoughts of meeting her, sitting with her and saying more than 'Hi, How are you?' were making me restless and anxious.

The day before yesterday I saw her in the office cafeteria and was thinking that I might not probably see her again that easily and then series of other painful thoughts followed. I was looking her , searching for her in the crowd of 500 people and suddenly found her looking at me. As soon as we made the eye contact, we could see the fear of losing in each others' eyes. I gave her a smile though my eyes were singing the tunes of melancholy.

That night after coming back from office I kept thinking about her, things we shared on SMSs , on chats and those few but very meaningful calls. So meaningful that I even remember each and every subject we talked about. Sometimes serious and sometimes so playful. The discussion about a movie song or the discussion about F.r.i.e.n.d.s television series or the discussion about a book or an author. Some serious discussions took the playful turns and some playful discussions faced abrupt endings. But all in all everything we talked, felt and the time spent was so meaningful and could not be defined in the set parameters of 'Being Friends' or whatever name you give it, but do we really need a name for everything. Over these 14 months I learnt that everything cannot be just so much defined and put into either side of a good-bad or practical-impractical. Few things are just meant to be the way they are, UNDEFINED and UNSAID. Sometimes words can't do so much justice to the feelings and moments that a SILENT smile can do..

O.k. coming back to present, we decided to meet finally. As the time to meet her was approaching my excitement was mounting and making me conscious. I knew this nervousness and all is just the case with me and perhaps she does not feel the way I feel or she is very head strong but then what's wrong with my way of thinking. Am I guilty of thinking something that I should not then what's wrong in this even if.... 'Whatever' I told to myself. If I myself don't know then how would she come to know. I atlast pinged her 'Can we meet now?'. 'Yes, meet me downstairs in 5 minutes' she replied. And as usual I knew these 5 minutes would be very tough to handle. Full of all types of emotions, some part of it making me excited, some of it making me sad as it could have been my last chance.

I collected guts and pushed myself out of the chair and started for the 'Meeting of The Lifetime'. She was wearing a Green top and as usual was looking stunning. As we both approached we had smiles on our face and the tension disappeared like a bubble. "So finally, we have broken the ice.." she said. "Ohh yes " I said smiling and feeling bit more confident. As we sat down for a cup of coffee the words started flowing and all those discussions that were only there in the SMSs, chats and calls find a place on the coffee table. At the back of my mind I was thinking of everything, I always wanted to share, talk. I wanted to bring them all to the table but I knew even days will fall short before I would run out of stock for words....

For few hours I totally forgot that it's my last day in this building and from next week I'm reporting to a different place and may not be able to see all these faces and off course will be leaving everything behind me, well almost. I started feeling discomfort and it felt like a phase of life is coming to an end. I looked at her she was talking to me but I wasn't actually listening. As I looked into her eyes she made me realize that irrespective of me moving ahead in life, I'm not leaving my life behind. Some very precious and priceless moments are stepping with me in to the next level, making the journey of life more special and enjoyable..

She wished me 'ALL THE BEST' and we vowed to be in touch as ever or may be even more. :-)

Disclaimer: All characters and instances in the story above are the work of my imagination and wishful thinking. Please don't be judgemental [for those who know me ;)]

Today Is Better Than Yesterday..!!

2010-11-27T20:27:00.004+05:30

Hi Friends, I am John De Costa working in a big multi national organisation involved in the business of selling Life Insurance policies. My core job was to fool the people to buy these insurance policies which will pay them money in future when they'll die.. (insert sarcasm)

Going to office was merely a tool to kill my time and nothing else. I was one of the worst performer in the organisation and my company was ready to kick me out anytime.
To top it all I was not doing any wonders in personal front also. My long time girlfriend had almost made up mind to leave me. Parents no more wanted to introduce me as their son and my sister felt the same pinch introducing me as a brother. I did not have any idea as why all this was happening with me. There was something wrong with me only I knew but what, that I couldn't figure out. As a failure I always tried to run away from responsibilities, I also take the responsibility for the mess in my professional life. But the biggest problem was that despite knowing everything I felt helpless.
And as a stereotype me too started blaming people and situations for all the mess. Even I did not spared God for my situation though at a certain level of consciousness. I knew its only because of me and nothing else but never let that thought ever come in front to make me feel more pathetic.
The very thought of committing suicide started developing as the months passed it grew stronger and stronger.

December 29, 2008: I decided to end my misery on this fateful day. This is also my birthday. I thought people would not had to bother about remembering 2 different dates.
After a thorough research on Google I found a quick and hopefully a less painful way of dying.
It says:
Nitrous Oxide is the most painless way to go. Puts you to sleep (in a lovely, giggly, light headed way) and kills you because it is starves your brain of oxygen. But you don't choke because your body still thinks it's getting air.
Just make sure no one finds you for a while otherwise you'll just end up being a vegetable.

I liked this idea but what does ending up like a vegetable means? I got confused. Anyhow I won't end up like a vegetable as no one really cares where I am and what I'm doing. 'But where will I get Nitrous Oxide from?' I thought. 'Lets try some druggists.' i said to myself but awefully the nearest one is around 5 kms away from my apartment. I jumped on my bike and started for the final destination (hopefully) I thought. I was nearly a km away from my apartment and that stretch of the road connects to a highway. So around my bike were all fast moving vehicles and zipping trucks. Everyone seemed to be in too much of hurry but I was relaxed and I knew this 10 km of journey from my home to druggist and back is most likely to be my last journey.
Surprisingly, my phone started ringing and as I slowed my bike to stop at the side of the road I heard a loud noise of some sudden halt of the vehicles and a big thud noise.

And that disastrous scene was of a container felling on the bike which was just ahead of me a minute before. That poor guy was crushed to death. I was still standing on the side of the road in disbelief on what I just saw and experienced. 'Ohh Shitt, it could be me had this phone had not rung..' I thought. And that very moment I froze. I started shivering out of fear, the fear of death. Minutes before I was thinking of dieing and now suddenly this incident shook me from inside. Shockingly, I was feeling lucky for the first time in my life for not being that person who was just crushed to death.

That very moment I realised the value of life. that feeling was awesome. I was perhaps feeling happy after long. There was a church on on my left which had a signboard saying:
God has given you so many gifts to sow love and to give hope, to shine light and to spread joy. Abundant gifts. Use them. Give to yourself and give to others. There is an endless spring where they come from.
This can't be real I thought. Too much happening at the same time. Does God really wanted me to realise all this. I thanked God for all the wisdom he showered on me that particular moment when I was feeling helpless and was very sure about ending my life.

That incident changed my course of life. My way of looking at things just changed all together and I realised life is not the count of years you spend but actually the count of moments you live. It made me responsible and a wise human being. My personal life started improving and so was my professional life. Today I'm a Vice President - Sales of that very organisation. I am now married to my long time girlfriend and we live with my parents, happily (most importantly).

In the end I just wanted to say that its just your way of looking at things and events that drives you in a right or a wrong direction. Sometimes you will have to wander to a bumpy and off the road track to find the right path. Difficult situations help you becoming a better and strong person.
As someone rightly said 'What you see as an end is just a bend most probably..'

Life does take a U-Turn but like this??..LOL

2010-10-17T19:34:00.001+05:30

It was 6 p.m. and I was trying hard to concentrate on my work by putting on my headset so that I can just listen to music and can cut off from the disturbing voices from all-around..

It was going pretty good till my Sametime messenger started blinking (Sametime is our official Instant messenger service)

I opened it up and started reading:

Simran Kaur/9: Hi Rahul

Rahul: Hi !! (excitedly I asked seeing an unknown gal's name and that too a sardarni..)

Simran Kaur/9: are you from Naraina?

Rahul: Yes.. but.. (wow, she knows a lot about me but was still confused that who she is)

Simran Kaur/9: It seems you haven't recognise me..

Rahul: Yea, I can't think of a probable connection :)

Simran Kaur/9: Ok, no problems, bye then.. (she wrote with a disappointment I could sense)

Rahul: But it seems you know me well so why don't you help me out.. (din't want to let go of an opportunity, if any..lol)

Simran Kaur/9: Yes, I know a lot about you..

Rahul: really?? (but now I wasn't that excited, because I din't want this Simran to be that Simran about which I's tinking..)

Rahul: are you from B Block Naraina?

Simran Kaur/9: nopes, not that close ..lol

Rahul: Patel Nagar?? (Don't say yes was my feeling....)

Simran Kaur/9: yes :) (Ohh shitt, no this can't happen.. if other miracles don't happen then why this one ?? I asked God!!)

Rahul: ok. I've some work. I'll talk to you later.. (I din't have courage to talk any further... my head started aching)

My head started spinning and for a struggle of nearly half an hour I gave up.. I couldn't concentrate. I asked my friend to go for a tea downstairs so that I can get over her thought.

Tea definitely helped a little but not much and I spent rest of the day working with that thought, hitting from behind.

Finally at 1:30 a.m my shift ended and I took a sigh of relief because now I can be with myself and get all that stuff out.

It was actually a bag of mixed emotions and basically nothing sad or serious sorts. Everybody has a bit of a dark side so do you've.. (I said to myself, actually to relieve myself..Lol)

I closed my eyes and immediately my mind took me to to that period..as if it was waiting for this only..

I got in contact with this girl around 3 years back through a common friend. Nos. got exchanged though haven't got to meet. It was a post break-off period and like typical friends my friends too advised the same thing that getting in touch with more and more gals work faster to heal the heart burns. Being a first timer I started following them and obviously could see the chances recovering from a heart-break.. LOL

So coming to the main character Simran Kaur, ya we started talking on phone, SMSing and what not that was technologically possible that time. In a week's time we got very comfortable with each other. Even she started discussing her household issue. Though listening to all this is very boring but still it gives you a sense of pride that other person trusts you so much that he/she can share almost everything with you.. (but trust me its very boring)

One day we were chatting and suddenly she asked, 'Can we meet?' though I wanted to ask this question very first day we started talking but somehow din't want to show her that my only intention is to get over a breakoff..

'This weekend?' I asked.. and to my surprise she immediately said yes..

I was so excited as this all was happening with so much of speed that I was almost thrilled with the sense of some adventure..She called me on sunday morning and said we'll meet at 12 p.m. near PVR Naraina. I got up and got ready much before time in the sheer excitement.

I was standing at ticket counter of PVR waiting for her. The feeling was awesome, not had these butterflies in the stomach since long I thought. Every girl coming towards ticket counter was Simran Kaur for me untill they actually walk towards the ticket counter and not to me. But all in all I's enjoying this. The main thought running in my mind was to make the best impression in the very first meeting only. Life will not be bad from now on I thought. It was around 12:15 my phone rang and it was her. My heart started pounding but I recollected the guts and pressed the green button to answer the call.. 'Where are you? I'm just parking my car..' her voice came. 'I am standing near ticket counter in a blue t-shirt.' I said..and disconnected the phone.

Soon I saw a huge, no a giant figure emerging from the parking. It couldn't be her, she doesn't sound this huge.I thought. But my worst fears came true when that giant smiled at me..and to add on to it she was not looking a 24 yrs old girl as claimed by her. I stood still as she approached. 'Hi..Rahul?' she asked.. 'Hi, yes, and you're Simran'..I said forcing myself to smile. We went to the adjacent restaurant. She looked at the 10 page menu card and gave expression like it had nothing, still managed to order 5 things. And during all that time I was busy calculating the bill. We sat there for nearly 2 hours obviously finishing 5 dishes atleast takes this much time. She once tried to hold my hand and feed me herself through a spoon but in the midst of avoiding all the embarrassment, I din't let her do that and took control of the situation. After paying the bill and nearly not speaking anything for nearly 2 hours we came out of the restaurant.

We bid each other a casual bye and I started heading towards home. after a couple of days I somehow changed my number and din't inform her about that thinking this relation won't help both of us anyhow because it can never work.

And since then never got in touch with her but today as her message appeared on the screen, verified the fact that life does take a U-Turn.but like this??.. LoL..

As cab reached home I jumped onto my bed and went to sleep after such a long and tiring day which made me travel nearly 3 years in the past...hahahaha

Disclaimer: Through this story the author does not want to offend anyone and just wanted to share a darker side of the human sensibilities through a funny angle to it.

Everyone has a dark side attached to his/her personality but wiser is who accepts it and works toward improving rather than graving the issue by repeating them.

A smile works always..Crying too sometimes (it did for me)

2010-09-05T23:17:00.005+05:30

'Are you crying?' I asked in a funny tone..'Yes..' came the reply. I started laughing seeing her cry, as this side of her was supposedly strange for me. 'Shutup..Only those who can cry has a right to laugh and its equally important to cry sometimes as to laugh. Its a beautiful emotion gifted by God to express your sadness, anger, stress, love, memories and even joy..!!' She said in one go looking at me and wiping her tears off her cheeks and eyes..
Its been more than a year I've known her and may be meeting her for the 50th time today but have never found her more beautiful than today or I never noticed, may be. I held her hand to soothe her, for a moment she seemed uncomfortable but soon I could feel her relaxed. 'I never thought you would have the guts to hold my hand ever..' she said smiling. 'Ohh!! I'm sorry for that..I just wanted to soothe you.' I replied (bit stammering). 'So you're sorry for that? wow!! you are dumber than I thought..' She said giggling. I returned a smile pretending to be ignorant of what she meant.After the movie I arranged a taxi for her to get back home. This was not a usual feeling. I could see that in her eyes, as if she does not want to get parted with me. 'Bye..' she said with a mild and not so happy smile. Soon after getting back home the SMSs started flowing, following up with a call.
' Are you falling for me? I saw something in your eyes and felt that warmth when you held my hand?' she asked. I sometimes get stunned with her straight forward attitude. I dropped down the phone from my hand to gain time to think for replying back(Lol!!) 'Nothing that serious I think, its just the bonding we share, you know..' I replied. 'It was much more than that you bet..' she confronted. 'How are you gonna prove this?' I asked with a smile knowing she is most probably right. But how could I accept this to her even after knowing she has a boy friend, I thought. 'Wateva!!.Goodnight..' she said and disconnected the call in disapproval of my unacceptance of the whole situation. I spent that night with a bit of uneasiness and uncluttered thoughts.

Life was going pretty good until she called me one day and said. 'Lets go for the movie this weekend..what say?' I instantly agreed and was excited about the thought of meeting her (ignoring the reason behind this excitement).
Movie was to be started at 2 P.M. but she asked me to meet a little bit early. I reached exactly on time, but she wasn't there. I saw her emerging from the parking but there was a guy accompanying her. 'Hi, he is Aashu my boyfriend. Aashu he is Rahul my best buddy.' she said introducing both of us. 'Hi..so you are Aashu' I said shaking hands with him. Suddenly back in my mind I lost all the excitement about this meeting and one can easily read the discomfort on my face. She looked at me and sheepishly smiled, enjoying the level of my discomfort or may be thrilled with the idea of me not liking the whole thing which simply proves that I'm jealous of Aashu and which ultimately concludes that I'm in love with her. Yes, I'm in love with her. I cannot stand this guy who is holding her hand which I held last week giving birth to so much complications and controversies, I thought. We entered the movie hall and I sat besides her and to her other side was that Aashu (self acclaimed stud). Things got worse when I saw Aashu's hand on her shoulder to which I felt behaving like Sunny Deol and rip his hand apart. Thank God it was an English movie which ended earlier than my patience level. I had a sigh of relief getting back home thinking no one can know the reason of my bad mood here.

But God had other plans and my phone rung and my worst fears came true when I saw her name on the screen. I knew she'll rip my mind apart and will dissect each and every portion of it to get that the real thing out of my mouth. I picked up the call 'Ohh Hi, so you are back home?' I said pretending to be pretty normal. 'Shutup you loser, why were you behaving like that?' she asked shouting on the highest notes of her voice. 'Behaving like what?' I asked silently admitting what she actually meant. 'Dumb ass you were behaving like someone had slapped you hard and you couldn't hit him back..' she said and started laughing loudly.At this my feelings started building up and emotions became so superfluous that I couldn't stop my tears coming out. And I stared crying like a child, trying to control but in vain only. 'Ohh shitt you're crying..' she said. 'Yes, you're right I love you this is what you wanted to listen..right? I swear I was never sure about these feeling as you were. Also after knowing you have a boyfriend, how could I admit my feelings to you?' I said like a child. 'Aww my baby, I love you too and I always did but stupid, a girl will never come up to you and propose you getting down on her knees.' she giggled.That particular moment I felt like flying in the sky and no matter how hard I may try but will never be able to give words those feelings and emotions.
I always used to look around for a perfect relationship but never had a look on what I possess.
Now me too thank God for creating the most trusted formula of putting the purest emotions across,i.e: Crying.....Lol!!

Curious case of a 'Special Child'..certainly special..!!

2010-08-08T22:43:00.003+05:30

He was dismissed as a special child when he was born. Yes, he was a special child not because of his inability to speak and a less than normal developed brain but he was special because he is so innocent and cannot think any absurd thing like we can and we do. He was even held responsible for his mother's deteriorate health by some irresponsible relatives. Thank God he couldn't understand that or he could have spent his whole life in a guilt (anyways he was not a reason for it).

As he started growing up he was different from others because he is the best person you can trust upon. If there would be 'purest heart' contest held by the Heavens then I bet he'll surely gonna win. He's perhaps the only child who loves going to school (Lol). He follows the very basic religion, the religion of Love and Care. Today he is one of the most loved person in the family and tell you he is more obedient and caring than a normal person.

I always have shared a great bond with him irrespective of the situations between the two families (Kahani Ghar Ghar ki..). I always loved the innocence he carries, his purity of heart is seem less. I always wanted to be this much pure. We the tagged 'normal beings' are not even 10% of what he is. He was medically termed as a retarded but conceptually speaking we are worse.
We in the normal course of life at times turn selfish but he never does that because he is God's child and is blessed with a heart of gold.

I have got a chance to see him growing and in the due course have learnt a lot, something knowingly and some just settled in. And in this journey since childhood I have learnt a very important lesson that if you're loved by God for what you are then nothing can stop you from leading a successful (meaningful is better) life. Definition of Success cannot be defined in set terms but for me a successful life means living your life with dignity and utmost respect. He may not be aware that he has earned both dignity and respect.

Today he is running a neighborhood confectionery shop with his parents and trust me, he is contributing equally with his sheer conviction to his work. It is commendable and heart filling to see the hardwork he puts in. In some way or the other I am highly motivated to see him coming to the terms of life on almost his own terms. What matters in life is your outlook towards it and the amount of conviction you are ready to put in. The day we develop the art of simplifying the life we can become its masters.

I have always loved to be a part of your life and owe this positive outlook to you somehow.
You are a beautiful soul, always be the way you are..

Love you Bhai..
God Bless you.. (He surely will)

I hope one day it stops haunting me......

2010-07-22T22:05:00.001+05:30

It does not matter how much we grow old but still some instances from the past never let go from the sub-conscious mind. We keep thinking about them as and when, though over the years the frequency starts declining eventually...But this incident was not one of those types because for last 15 years there have not been a single day when I did not think of it. By now I have understood that I can't run away from it and its the time to speak-up.

15 years ago:

15th August was just a week away and as usual Delhi's skyline was crowded with kites, of all colours and shapes possible. I was no different from other kids but that day was different I think. Mom, Dad and my little sister Bhawna were out of station to attend a wedding at some relative's place. I couldn't go as I had my weekly class test the coming Monday. It could have been the best Saturday if there would be no exam on Monday but unfortunately it was not the case. Anyway I started preparing for the exam pretty early so that I could have my kites flying session in the evening. I was in my room mugging up my subject notes and just in between I heard the sound as if some construction work is going around. The voices of construction workers, tools and everything were so clear and almost seemed to be coming from the very next room. I stopped for once but then thought that could be some construction work going near by.

It was 5 p.m. and I decided to part ways with books and move ahead with the 'Kite flying' plans. As we had moved in this house only a month back, I did not have any friends but that did not stop me from my plans. I reached the terrace with all my stuff but it was strange I realized there was no construction work going nearby "so from where did those noises coming?" I thought.
The weather was nice and cool breeze had enough speed to help my kites to gain altitude. I was pretty happy with the achievement but some stupid guy across the lane cut my kite's string and it started descending and my eyes started following it. I was upset as that was my last kite and I was bit skeptical about the idea of roaming in the streets to search where did it fall as it had started getting dark. I sat down on the pavement...Suddenly a voice came from behind 'your kite'.. I looked behind it was a boy nearly my age but wore bit shabby clothes. His face was pale and eyes were quite red as if he haven't slept for few days. I took my kite from him and said "Thanks, by the way how do you know it was my kite?" He said "was watching you.."..really? I thought..
" anyways come again tomorrow but around 5 p.m., we'll play together" I said.. "OK" he said and walked away. From where did he come? He said he was watching me..and his appearance was too not that normal. All these thoughts flooded my mind but I manged to get normal soon and started watching T.V.

Next Day:

There was a power-cut and DESU people said it would take nearly 2 hours more to rectify the fault. Its almost 4:45 p.m. I thought, why not utilize this time to have fun. I was just thinking and somebody knocked the back door. I opened the door, it was him (that guy). I said 'Hi'..He just smiled. I was telling him that there is no electricity and as I was saying all this I noticed the cooler behind me got started..I was shocked because there was no electricity and even the switch was not plugged in. I saw at his face, he was staring at the cooler and smiling. His looks had something very strange but I couldn't figure out what. I tried to ignore the whole thing and moved to the living room to get the kites and stuff. He followed me, it was partially dark inside the room. I noticed, he was continuously staring at the ceiling though there was nothing on it. But his expressions had changed by now..He sat on the floor, I collected guts to go near him and as I started I noticed him crying, his eyes turned blood red and face turned paler. I was shocked once again. I did not know what to do now and why is he crying looking at the ceiling, I had no idea. He got up and without saying a word moved towards the back door, I followed swiftly trying to talk to him. He moved out of the door and as I looked outside I nearly fainted seeing that sight. There was no one in the lane, it was an empty lane. That evening I was so frightened and just kept praying to god and trying to divert my mind from all that happened.

Few months after that incident we moved to some other locality.

For years I had not talked about this to anyone not even mom and dad. Years passed but this incident did not die inside me. Sometimes I get up suddenly from sleep shouting and crying..and when I'm up I don't remember the reason I was crying....

In the morning today I heard Dad telling Mom that the house in which we once lived had an accident when it was getting constructed. And in that accident a boy aged 10 years was killed. This conversation chilled down my spine and now I knew what was that 15 years ago.

I hope one day it stops haunting me.......

"What if I could....." I said to myself..

2010-07-10T23:28:00.002+05:30

"So you are leaving? Its not that I'm shattered, life goes on it does not stop for anyone, neither it will stop for you nor for me. I'm just saying I can't bring the past back and there is no point crying for it. But look at you.....are you really leaving forever? Ohh God!!..." I said with the sinking heart. She put her fingers between mine and said "I love you but even I cannot bring that time back. We could have have been together if....this 'if' is the culprit.." she said and a drop of tear rolled onto her cheek. We hugged for the last time and I kept standing to see her getting disappear from my sight. This was probably the last time we met. And the very thought of losing her forever was giving me jitters. For a moment, I found myself frozen. Eventually I broke down. Aarush got the car near me and helped me getting inside and drove off to my place.

It was raining heavily but I kept windows of the car open so that Aarush would not see me crying. Brain started playing CD from very starting. I still remember the day when after the influence of 1 shot of Vodka I collected guts to send her the friends request on Facebook. Though I wanted to do that since long but fear of rejection never let me do that. And couldn't consider myself more lucky when I got the notification within 5 minutes that she have accepted me as a friend. "Facebook friends then Chat friends and then SMSs. Finally dude you can be more than friends.." I said to myself and the feeling took my mood to a new high.

I was lucky enough to find her on the chat very next day and I knew now nothing can stop me.

Before this I haven't really got a chance to talk to her but as a daily habit I used pass across her seat atleast 10 times a day..Lol..

To my surprise I found her quite open and not that 'I'll not utter a word' type of personality and we got along really well. That day sitting at Costa Cafe I said "I always had a crush on you." "Then we started talking probably at the right time." she said with the mischievous smile. "why?" I asked. "I was not single and you would have begun a new search if you could get to know about that...hahaha.." She said laughing. "Yep, very true" I said with a wink.

We left the Cafe and started for her place as it was getting dark. I wanted this journey to go on and on but I was not that blessed and reached her home in 25 minutes. I stopped the car and at that moment an unusual warm feeling had surfaced probably in both of us, but I did not want to take any chances with this beautiful relationship that was growing at its own pace. I was taken by a surprise (could't have been more pleasant) when she leaned towards me and hugged me and said "Good night" whispering in my ear.

And the whole night I kept thinking about everything we talked about and about the events that took place, just to figure out what's going on between us.

All these meetings, non-stop calls, SMSs kept growing between us except one thing and that one thing was the determination to give this relationship the proper shape and name. We sometimes don't say anything presuming that other person knows everything and expressing wouldn't make much of a difference. And sometimes we give other superficial factors so much importance in life that we lose the track of real things and hence losing the real meaning of life. Then one thought that does the rounds and multiplies the pain is the thought of 'What if I could have....' but till that time life would already come to a halt. The car came to a sudden halt, getting me back to consciousness.

I got into my room without talking to anyone on the way and ignoring some curious gazes. (DOOR SHUT!!)

Confessions of a 'Broken heart'..

2010-05-30T20:11:00.003+05:30

Disclaimer: All characters of this story are very much close to the reality and they not only resemble me but almost everyone out there. So just don't concentrate on the character's name. Hehehe....

Note: Part I of this story can be enjoyed best with the song 'Shayad yahi to pyar hai'' from the movie 'Lucky' in the background..

March 3, 2007, 10:30 a.m.:
My phone vibrated and I knew it was her, must be a good morning call. As usual a smile came to my face.
I said "Good morning sweetie.." "Good morning baby, I am going to the institute for collecting my certificates with Gaurav" she replied. "Ohh yes I know. Cool, go ahead or you will get late. We can talk later." I said. She replied in affirmation and we put down the phone.
As I just moved towards my toothbrush the phone rang again. Mom noticed and gave that deadly look. I smiled and picked up phone. Its her again, "Baby, I love you.." She said (so beautifully). "I love you too.." came my reply with an instant smile. It can't get better than this. I thought. :-)
But who has seen the future? Neither did I know whats going to be there ahead.

2:30 p.m.: Had it been a usual day we could have talked atleast 2 hours in the last 4 hours, I thought.
Finally dialed her number. A male voice picked up phone.."Hi Rahul, she has gone to the counter to get the food. We are at McD's. I'll ask her to call you back.." her friend said. "OK, thanks." I replied. But I was disheartened as the urge of talking to her was at its peak.
This was not the first time she had gone out with friends and not the first time when we have not talked for 4 hours but something unusual was pinching me.
A feeling of uneasiness was growing by each passing minute as if, my sub conscious mind knows that everything is not well.
Well I decided to wait till she herself calls back.

5:30 p.m.: Phone vibrated again. Its her I murmured with a smile.." I missed you so much baby..you din't even call once since morning ...." I said(sadly like a child). "Rahul....I want to say something" she said but this was not her usual chirpy voice. The love quotient was missing in her tone. I recollected guts to listen to what she wanted to say. "I want to end this right away. Don't ask me anything because I don't have answers." She said.
And I was like..how to react? what to say ? I felt like my brain is filled with the super influx of blood and for a moment, I couldn't think anything. After a pause, I kind of regained consciousness and asked her with a very unstable voice "Why? I mean what ?" She hung up without replying.

Note: Part II of the story can be best enjoyed with the song 'Alvida' from the movie 'Life..in a metro' playing in the background.

And after endless phone calls, infinite messages and every possible type of communication I brought myself face to the face with the ghost of a Break-off. Its over I said to mom. She din't react as if she knew this will happen one day. Finally that dreamy world shattered and life suddenly came to a halt abruptly. Everything seemed just too meaningless and awe-ful.
Even with everyone around I could still feel lonely and the best thing I could only think of is crying and more crying. Sometimes openly when alone and sometimes cried inside when couldn't show tears.
Even the best of friends din't seem much of a comfort. Even the rains couldn't make me happy.
And the worst is not over yet. I decided to be her friend atleast, so that I would get to talk to her and spend some time together. I thought would change things and yes I did but for even worse.

The acrimonies of the painful break-up kept going and the saying like 'Time will heal everything' seemed to me the most beautiful quote ever. And finally I started finding solace in the company of sad songs and tragic movie scenes. Seems funny but true. And eventually a time came when thinking about her and crying became my sleeping pills.

One day got an interview call from a big MNC in Gurgaon.

Note: Part III can be best enjoyed with the song 'Jeene ke Ishare mil gaye' playing in the background.

July 7, 2007: I went for the interview. It went good and I's somewhat sure that I've made it, though HR told that they'll confirm my candidature in a couple of days. As we came out it started drizzling and that very feeling of satisfaction touched me once again. For one second I stopped and asked to myself "Dude you'd a break off just 5 months back. How can you feel good.?"

Finally after several months of despair and agonies, after several of those painful nights life again took a turn. And something inside me knew its for good.I got selected and joined this company.
My very first experience of the job. This was a total different experience all together for me. Met so many wonderful and some not so wonderful people. Made some very good friends. And with time things started changing and you know what? I started sleeping without my special sleeping pills. .. LOL.
As the time moved ahead life took a total different turn and put me on the driver's seat.

Now when I see backwards I somehow thank god for the opportunities and the wisdom that he has bestowed upon me. I thank him for showing me lows of life so that I can learn those lessons of life, which can only be learnt through pain.

And in the end I want to say that I know that part of my life was beautiful but this part has even more to it. Finally I can say there exists a better tomorrow beyond a broken heart and ruins of a broken relationship.

I assure you Life is not that bad and its always worth living.

Love you all :-)
Rahul

'something had hit there, where it does matter...'

2010-01-24T17:39:00.000+05:30

Sun was settling down very fast and the darkness had started sweeping all around. I could still see 'Signature Tower' and many such tall buildings in front of me, could see cars zipping around on the road outside with headlamps switched on. The feeling of lonliness was gripping me very fast. I was feeling like crying and pouring my heart out. Sudden rush of emotions filled my heart, surely the work of some stupid harmones. Weather was good, but still that cold breeze was giving birth to the uneasiness and it was like something had hit that very vaccum. "I'm sad." I murmured to myself.
Sitting on the second stair of the pavement I noticed even the dog sitting there for hours and giving me company had finally decided to move on. Sad, shattered, melachonic and every such synonym could do justice with my state of mind. I noticed a man coming, he sat next to me. I looked above and to my surprise he looked very peaceful, had grey hair and a charismatic glow on his face. I wondered how someone can be at so much ease, I decided to ignore him. He placed his hand on my shoulder and asked 'Why are you upset?' At first I decided to ignore but then decided to respect his age. I said "Let it be, you can't help." He insisted "I wanna know." "O.K." I replied.
"Can you see that burnt up Pyre and to be very precise the left over ashes there behind us?" I asked. "Yes, so what?" he asked with such a simple look as if I've shown him some general run of the mill stuff. "That is me." I said. "And I'm sad because everything that I've accumalated all these years have lost, even my folks din't listen to me and left me alone here. They think I'm dead. If I'm dead how can I see all this and talk to you? I mean I'm not sure , no prior experience." I said with a smile. Still wondering, if dead people joke. Old man said "You know what, when you were alive you kept crying to gather all this and now when you're dead still you're crying for all these immaterial things. If you would not have thought much about all this you could have been alive. Life is not only about cars, buildings, money and fame. There is much more to it that you people don't realise till the time you die. Life is to enjoy every bit of happiness that comes your way and live every moment to the fullest. Some people waste their lives doing every bit of unimportant and immaterial acts and ignoring the earthy facts. You're one of them. Some get a chance to realise all this, few moments before dying, on their death bed. But you did not get even that chance, sorry." He said. Goshh!! I felt so annoyed irrespective of the fact what all he said made absolute sense. But one thing, no two things, that were doing rounds of my mind were first, he confirmed I'm dead and second, how does he know everything? I recollected guts and asked "Who are you?" "I'm god, as you call me." he smiled. "lets go and say 'adieu' to everything." he ordered.

"Rahullllllllll..get up beta, its too late." said mum. "थोड़ी देर में उठता हु माँ..(in some time, mom)" I replied and slipped back into the quilt. But I knew something had hit there, where it does matter.

'Miracles follow Faith'.... is it?? Lets talk..

2010-01-16T20:58:00.000+05:30

For all those who don't know me personally I work in a U.S. based MNC located in Gurgaon and work from 4 in the afternoon uptill 1:30 in the night because my profile requires me to be in sync with my U.S. counterparts. You must be thinking that I'm so self obsessed that I've decided to write about myself this time..lol..

Actually the story I'm gonna tell require you to know a bit about me.. O.K. here it goes.....

January 13th, 10:45 p.m.: After dinner Rana asked for a coffee at Costa and I immediately said 'yes' because an idea of not going back to your seat is always a brilliant idea.

Was about to enter my office building after coffee suddenly our discussion was overshadowed by a loud 'Excuse me' . A guy wearing a white sweatshirt approached us and said "Hi, can I say something" I said yes. He said "can I pray for you?" yeah sure I responded very calmly though my inside world was having several questions. He started by putting one hand on the left side of my chest and start murmuring something like this " Lord Jesus you died for this guy's sickness, you died for his cause. Please heal him and grant him a healthy life." while he was doing this I felt like something was hitting him from inside. Even I could feel those jerks. He asked my name I said 'Rahul'. He said " Rahul Lord Jesus died for your sickness and he will heal you.." While I's still trying to understand what's happening. He said again (very confidently) " Try walking now." I told him that I can't, he said "try atleast" still I could sense that confidence in his voice like he really have a dedicated bandwith line with god. (I know its not funny at all..lol). I said "I can't even stand on my legs and you're talking about walking" I tried to smile all through this. Dropping the idea of forcing me he said "try walking once you reach home." I said O.K. and we parted ways. But this incident stuck me somewhere. Though I knew that his intentions were not wrong and indeed he wanted good for me but still it all seemed to me as some sort of a joke. I went back to my seat and decided to concentrate on work. I read an email 5 times and was still unable to understand it then I realised that this incident has already taken its toll on my concentration and I decided to share it with Thakur who sits next to me. O.k. Thakur is a guy with an enlightened mindset and the follower of Christ.

After telling him all that has happened, I told Thakur that I don't believe in all this I mean I can't hope that I'll walk on my legs when I'll reach home. And if I hope for all this to happen I'll only fool myself and later this all will gonna hurt me. Thakur said " Miracles follow faith and it should not be vice versa.." I somewhat agreed with him but I have a slightly different view on this I explained

" I'm not saying I dont trust God or his powers, neither I think that miracles don't happen in real world. But its just I think miracles do happen but not in a way you would want them to be. They can happen in any form and just not any particular shape. I'm a firm believer of the Lord." I told him that today I'm amongst you all wonderful people, with such a big organisation, so far having a successful career path and achieving everything that may seem an impossible thing to any other person on wheelchair like me. But I got it all, Thanks to my Mum-Dad and the God ji.. :)

But there are people like me with loads of talent but no opportunities or I would rather say no access to those opportunities. Then a thought came to my mind and I thought of using my social advantage for this cause. I decided to work on a platform that can bridge the gap between the two.. Those with abilities and talent and those who can give them a chance to prove themselves.

Thakur is helping us with his technical bend and I've started working on this initiative. As of now website is under construction and we named it 'www.inability2enability.org'.

Friends we'll need your support not financially but in a bigger sense. You've to spread the word for us and also do let us know of the opportunities you come across, if any.

Praise the Lord..

Love you all

Rahul

Back again..because its getting complicated.

2010-01-10T17:47:00.000+05:30

Hi Frnz
I'm back again on my blog.. its freezing cold even hard to type but something inside me is constantly pushing me to write and not to get into the blanket..lolz.
Thanks to Himesh Reshamiya's 'Radio' we got one more status apart from single/committed.. and 'its complicated' yes it actually is complicated. The art of simplifying things have actually made things complex.
And this concept have given the birth to a whole new concept of 'Fuck Buddies' or 'Buddies in bed'..
If being 'fuck buddies' is ok then what is being committed?? I'm not saying its wrong but I don't approve it either. Actually I'm myself confused. I'd a breakoff more than 2.5 years back but still feel sad about it. My ex gf did not wish me on my b'day I felt bad. Am I still being committed or I'm being mad if the 'fuck buddies' thing is ok.
There is a friend of mine for last 3 years. For the last 2 yrs 11 months we were ordinary friends and suddenly this phenomenon hit us and we both were ready to accept. But somehow I realised that something in me is not comfortable with it even though being sexually deprived all through these years..lols. Some people say its ok to be 'fuck buddies' if its mutual. Even a logical side of my own self agrees to that. But does every action of us involve logic? If answer is no then why are we being so open to this concept just because it enables us to have access to a morally wrong action that involves satisfaction and at the same time give us the opportunity to prove this right logically.
One thing that I fail to understand, does a relationship is based on logical ends or there is something more to that. If being single is so simple then why the pain of a broken relationship still persists somewhere. And if I'm a logic based person then why I'm ignoring my friend.
Why someone who thinks is very close to you is a nobody for you and someone who thinks you're a nobody is everything for you? Why this whole concept of relationships is so complex?
Who will decide what is right and what is wrong not atleast me because I myself is feeling so vulnerable about the whole thing.
May be what I said is wrong may be its right but in both cases they're purely my views based on my perception about situations. If you've something that can clear this mess please write your comments and may be we would start a messy discussion to a meaningful end..lols.
No frankly, please give your views..may be you can help me in understanding some troubled issues.

God bless you all..
Rahul

Happy New Year!!

2009-12-31T20:13:00.000+05:30

Hi Friends
8:14 p.m. , 31st December 2009, it couldn't be a better time to start my own blog.wat say?? :)
2010 is coming and everywhere I see people excited about it, frankly speakng it is not making much of a sense to me. Does just change of a date have an impact on my luck or my life? But I'm still liking it because I can see happy faces all around. Atleast everyone else is happy and I'm trying to replicate that in myself..lolz.
May 2010 will bring success to you and all your dreams and aspirations take shape. I wish the same to myself as my dreams and aspirations are still not taking a particular shape.. i'm worried :( .. I turned 27 two days back and still confused about things like a 7 year old boy.
O.k. let me keep myself aside OMG I'm so self obsessed...
Friends I wish you and your family a very happy and a prosperous new year. May God bless you all.
And I'll come back to you again as I'm finding it a very interesting and exciting way to share myself with you all..... wow!!

Love you all :)
Rahul